The End

But not really.

As Socrates so succinctly reminded us, "When one blog closes, another one opens."

It's a new day over at Lighten Up, Francis.



Come on in, won't you? The water's fine.

Have We Learned Nothing From Billy Joel?

Every once in awhile, God smiles down on this blog and presents a story that was made to mocked. Today's tale comes to us from the storybook land of Wal*Mart in White Township, where a Coke deliveryman and a Pepsi deliveryman were involved in a kerfuffle earlier this week:

"It's not clear exactly what the bickering was about, but as the Coke employee left the store, the Pepsi guy called him over to the side of the Wal-Mart. There, police said, he "punched the victim three times in the face," breaking his nose and giving him a black eye."
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Action. Intrigue. Middle-aged men fighting over which sugary beverage is superior. Other than a beautiful princess riding on a winged unicorn, is there anything this story doesn't offer? Because if there is, I don't see it.

Also, in conclusion, the Shasta guy would have totally kicked both of their asses. Recognize, bitches.

And You Thought Driving While Text Messaging Was Dangerous

Odd story in today's paper about an accident in Somerset County:

Clark Fish was driving Sunday evening on Kuhntown Road in Jefferson Township, Somerset County, when, he told police, he "accidentally shot his hand with a .357 revolver," troopers said.
-Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Assuming he bought his car at one of the many fine Baierl Automotive showrooms in the Pittsburgh area, could we say that this story was like shooting Fish in a Baierl?

No?

Screw you, then. Maybe I'll just get back to work, if this is how you're gonna be.

Yes, We Are Indeed Ready For Some Football

What better way to honor tonight's start of the 2007 NFL season than a "Terry Tate: Office Linebacker" video:

Whatcha Gonna Do

In case you were wondering if Hulkamania is still running wild all over you, the answer is yes. Yes, it is. Apparently Hulk Hogan is the spokesman for something called "The National Wave", the idea for which was born in Freedom, PA:

"The goal of the National Wave is to have Americans across the country wave a “Uniting Towel of America” at the same time for 15 minutes at 9 p.m. ET on July 4, 2008."
-KDKA

Interesting. It may sound TERRIBLE to say, but I feel like I've seen this TOWEL idea somewhere before. If only I could remember where. Memory loss is an awful thing, but it's something I guess I have to COPE with.

Also, we're supposed to wave it for 15 minutes? Straight? Can we take a break? I mean, I'm pretty sure people's arms are gonna get tired. Let's be honest: not everybody has pythons like Hulk and me*. Plus, 9:00 is when my Golden Girls reruns come on and if I miss the first 15 minutes, I just can't catch up.

*Admission to the Gun Show is $5.00 and available through your local Ticketmaster outlet. You'll have to buy the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge.

Your Josh Miller News Headquarters

Breaking: The New England Patriots have replaced former Steeler punter Josh Miller with Chris Hanson. In other news, the Patriots announced that all Gatorade on the sidelines will be replaced with lemonade and a seat over there.

Details developing...

Miller Time

Update on a former Steeler and our favorite member of the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame: punter Josh Miller was released by the Patriots last week and he made some interesting comments on his way out the door:

“It was a great time. Before I got here, I never realized that coaches actually won games. Now I know I probably should have won more at the other teams I played for.”
-The Boston Herald

So, a little slap at Bill Cowher? Seems understandable, considering how Cowher would gently reprimand him on the sidelines when Josh would shank the rare punt for the Steelers. And by "gently reprimand him", of course, I mean "scream in his face". But that's what endeared him to Steeler fans; who among us couldn't relate to being yelled at by our jerk-off boss?

Through it all, though, Josh remained undaunted and loyal. Even to the point of actually giving his son Caleb the middle name "Steele", which, we now know, is certainly better than giving him the middle name "McBeam".

Thanks for the good memories, Josh. We wish you the best and continued success. You'll always be number 4 to us.